


If You Or A Loved One

by HidansCrazyLaugh



Category: Naruto
Genre: Character Death, Dark Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Mesothelioma, Sad times, Two of them, hidan yeets himself into the grave and the next life, i came up with this at 4 AM ok?, i do not think cancer is funny, mesoYEETlioma, terminal illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 08:56:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14690730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HidansCrazyLaugh/pseuds/HidansCrazyLaugh
Summary: Kakuzu has been diagnosed with mesothelioma, Hidan does not cope well.





	If You Or A Loved One

Hidan was watching daytime television when Kakuzu got back, laughing about ads for medical lawsuits and financial compensation for those suffering from mesothelioma for some reason. Ignoring him, Kakuzu went to the bedroom and made some phone calls.

Over the next few days Hidan noticed Kakuzu wasn’t talking much, spent a lot of time going to meet someone and barely touched his food, but he didn’t want to say anything, they didn’t really talk about their feelings, Kakuzu would tell him if it was important, or he’d get over whatever was making him pissy.

But a week later, Kakuzu was still acting strange, quiet, distant, and he kept going to see someone. Hidan couldn’t sleep, Kakuzu wasn’t in bed, he quietly got up and found Kakuzu online, writing something.

“Your will? What the fuck, Kakuzu? What’s going on?” Hidan wasn’t stupid, though he could certainly act like he was, “You like, aren’t dying or something, are you?”  
“Hidan, sit.”

“What? No!” Hidan shouted, “No, you’re not fucking dying!”

“Not right away.”

A commercial came on, ‘Have you or a loved one been diagnosed with mesothelioma?’

“Yes.” Kakuzu said, “I have been. Hidan, look, you need to sit down.”

Hidan had gone white, “You can’t die before me.”

“Well, looks like I am. The doctor said there isn’t anything they can do, they can treat it and prolong my life but, not for long, it is in the last stages. I guess trying to save money by not going to the doctor wasn’t such a good idea. I have made Konan the executor of everything, because I know you won’t be able to handle anything like an adult when the time comes-”

“You mean when you fucking die?!” Hidan was standing over him, arms crossed, eyes watering, “Why didn’t you fucking tell me?! I have to find out at one in the morning!”

“Because when I came home you were laughing at that specific commercial!” Kakuzu pointed at the tv.

“Oh...well, I didn’t know.”

“I know. Now, sit, there are some things you need to know.”

Hidan sat next to Kakuzu, wrapping an arm around his waist, “Don’t leave me.” His voice was so quiet, Kakuzu almost didn’t hear him.

 

The day of the funeral Hidan had gotten so drunk, he was hardly aware of what was going on, though he had been drunk since the morning Kakuzu died, Itachi didn’t think he had stopped drinking since.

When Pein was done reading the eulogy, he asked if anyone would like to say any last words. Hidan lurched to his feet, and walked up to the podium, swaying and tripping on things, “Fuck you, Cock Zoo, for dyin’ first. Fuck you, mesotoma, well whatever your stupid ass name it, you piece of shit disease! I wish it were me you guys were burying in that ditch.” He said, surprisingly coherent for his current state. On his way back to his seat, he tripped and fell into the freshly dug grave, and hit his head on the way down.

Everyone rushed over and looked down inside the grave to see Hidan laying at the bottom, his head turned at a disturbing angle.

"Mood." Deidara said, peering over the side.

Itachi drug his hands down his face, “I knew he wouldn’t live long after Kakuzu died, but really, three days?”

“Hey, Sasori, pay up, my man, you owe me.” Deidara whispered.

Sasori took a fifty from his wallet, “I thought he’d at least make it longer than a week...”

“You two are awful.” Konan said, "You could have waited until you left."

“We’re awful?! Those two were the worst of us all!” Deidara shouted, shoving the money into his pocket, then sniffled, “Anyone got a tissue? It’s kinda romantic when you think of it, isn’t it?”

Kisame passed him the box of tissues, “That idiot. Now you’ll have to plan another funeral, Konan.”

“Actually no, I don’t, Kakuzu planned for this to happen and everything has been taken care of.”

Pein sighed and took out his phone, “Do we call 911, or what? We’re already at the cemetery, they have a morgue here, right?”

“Just stick him in the casket with Kakuzu.” Deidara said, blowing his nose, “They can be together forever, literally.” He laughed through his tears while everyone gave him a look.

“That’s...not a bad idea. Would save you a lot of paper work, Konan.” Kisame said, nodding as he looked at Kakuzu’s casket that was nearby, “It is open, someone just needs to get Hidan out and-”

“No! That is a terrible idea and against the law, Kakuzu already bought a coffin for him and that-” Konan pointed at the spot next to the open grave, “plot. So no, Deidara, we are not stashing his body in the coffin with Kakuzu. They’ll be together forever, a few feet apart.”

“‘Cause they’re not gay.” Kisame snickered and elbowed Deidara who alternated between crying and laughing.

“You all are horrible people.” Pein said, “Alright, so, anyone else want to say any last words for Kakuzu? Or are we done here?"

"What about Hidan? Maybe someone wants to say anything for him?" Itachi asked.

Pein shook his head, "No. Save it for his own funeral in a few days. This has been the weirdest funeral and I just want to go home.”

Just then Tobi came walking up, sipping some ice tea through a straw, "Hey guys, sorry I'm late, what did I miss?"


End file.
